Photo: Ian=20 Broyles
1. You=E2=80=99re not from =E2=80=9CLos Angeles.=E2=80=9D
We=E2=80=99ve got a lot of pride in our city, but it=E2=80=99s second = to a more localized=20 loyalty. A team prefixed by Los Angeles wins a championship, sure, the = whole=20 town riots as one. But if somebody sits down in a bar next to a guy born = and=20 raised in LA and asks where he=E2=80=99s from, that guy isn=E2=80=99t = going to say he=E2=80=99s from Los=20 Angeles. That guy is from Santa Monica. Or Culver City, or West = Hollywood, or=20 any other individual city that makes up the megalopolis that is LA.
It=E2=80=99s not that we hate each other (although there=E2=80=99s a = fair amount of snobbery=20 that goes on). It=E2=80=99s just that Los Angeles as a city is so = diverse that each=20 neighborhood/city has turned into a niche, sheltering the inhabitants = from the=20 horrors of having to adapt to other people. It=E2=80=99s like the = nation-states of=20 Ancient Greece, with better hot dogs and worse drivers. America may be a = melting=20 pot, but Los Angeles is a box of chocolates, and the caramel = doesn=E2=80=99t like being=20 called the coconut.
Ignore this fact and you risk =E2=80=94 shudder =E2=80=94 = being called a tourist. Or=20 worse =E2=80=94 a transplant.
2. Most conversations involve directions.
Everybody laughed when Saturday Night Live did =E2=80=9CThe = Californians,=E2=80=9D=20 but people in Los Angeles sat confused for a moment, running the listed=20 directions through their head and seeing if they made sense. = It=E2=80=99s like an=20 unconscious disease that=E2=80=99s wormed its way into our minds, where = we constantly=20 need to know the fastest way from point A to point B at any given time, = because=20 hey, you never know when Olympic will back up for a few miles when = you=E2=80=99re trying=20 to get home.
It gets worse in the car, where it=E2=80=99s nearly impossible to = have a conversation=20 about anything else. Picture this: a passenger consulting Waze, and two = more=20 debating with the driver whether going all the way to the 405 will save = time.=20 And that=E2=80=99s just on the way to the grocery store.
3. Traffic doesn=E2=80=99t really even bother you anymore.
On the other hand, sometimes you really can=E2=80=99t be bothered to = take 40 turns=20 just to get home after a long day of work. The 405 is packed, but = there=E2=80=99s=20 something Zen, something stereotypically Californian, about sitting in = traffic=20 with the window down listening to music without a care in the world.
Most people would get frustrated. Tourists gape at the prospect of = taking two=20 hours to drive 10 miles. Those tourists usually have a reliable public=20 transportation system back home. Probably one that even takes them all = the way=20 to the airport, the spoiled bastards. Angelenos have had to deal their = whole=20 lives. Like a blind man whose other senses have had to work harder to=20 compensate, Angelenos have learned to cope with the facts of life. Our = sense of=20 patience is working overtime.
Photo: noisemedia
4. But you=E2=80=99re still holding out hope for a subway to the = sea.
We act like we=E2=80=99re not jealous of all those Londoners with = Oyster cards and=20 the Chube. We=E2=80=99ve adapted. But secretly, every time whispers go = around about a=20 subway extension (at least once a year), we turn into giddy little kids = on=20 career day dreaming about the day they become a fireman.
Oh, could you just imagine! Cheap and reliable service to LAX and = Venice=20 Beach! People have made dozens of imaginary maps of what it could look = like,=20 with so many lines and stops that construction wouldn=E2=80=99t be = finished until the=20 sun exploded. They=E2=80=99re the kind of drawings teenage girls do in = their notebooks,=20 only replace her future wedding dress with a way to get home from the = bars that=20 doesn=E2=80=99t include an angry taxi driver.
There are steps being taken nowadays. Legislation being passed, new = stops=20 being put in. But Los Angeles=E2=80=99 economy looks like Adam Smith and = John Maynard=20 Keynes straight up took a dump on it. There=E2=80=99s a 70-year backlog = on potholes that=20 need filling. Right now, that subway to the sea may be a fairy tale, = something=20 people born 10 years from now might one day enjoy. But there=E2=80=99s = no shame in=20 holding out hope.
5. You=E2=80=99ve accused somebody of being a transplant as an = insult.
When somebody from Los Angeles gets mad, the first reaction is to = call the=20 offender a transplant =E2=80=94 somebody who just moved to the city. To = be fair, there=20 are a shit ton of transplants here. Na=C3=AFve blonde chicks from Ohio = who skipped=20 college to try and make it as an actress, and hey, they=E2=80=99ve got a = casting session=20 in the valley with some dude they met in a bar!
![](3D"http://cdn1.matadornetwork.com/assets/images/site/matado=)
More=20
like this: How to piss off an Angeleno But it=E2=80=99s not exactly something to be ashamed of, and locals = still use it as=20 their go-to method to be as offensive as possible. The driver that cuts = them=20 off? Transplant. The guy who doesn=E2=80=99t know how to merge? = Transplant. The idiots=20 crossing the road when you have a green light? Better believe = that=E2=80=99s a fucking=20 transplant.
Half the transplants come out when you=E2=80=99re behind the wheel. = The other half=20 come out when you believe somebody is misrepresenting Los Angeles, = forgetting=20 the fact that in a city of 3 million people, there=E2=80=99s bound to be = some differing=20 opinions. There will probably be a transplant comment in the comments of = this=20 very article. To hear an average Angeleno tell the tale, there would be = only=20 five =E2=80=9Creal=E2=80=9D Angelenos in the entire goddamn city.
6. You avoid Hollywood like the plague.
The Hollywood sign is an international icon. So are the Chinese = Theatre and=20 the Walk of Fame. With such a rich culture, steeped in the tradition of = film and=20 glamor, surely Hollywood must be the place to be for spotting the = hippest=20 celebrities and getting just a glimpse of the movie star treatment. = Right?
Here=E2=80=99s the flaw in that logic: Why the hell would anybody, = celebrities=20 included, go someplace filled with people specifically trying to ogle = their=20 every move? There are two types of people actually in Hollywood. = Transplants and=20 tourists who didn=E2=80=99t think things through, and homeless people = dressed as=20 Spider-Man ready to stab them for taking a picture without paying.
Hollywood, especially Hollywood and Sunset Boulevards, is a bona fide = shithole. Mr. Rogers=E2=80=99 star on the Walk of Fame is in front of a = sex shop. All=20 the glamor of the Academy Awards is an annual marketing machine. People = from Los=20 Angeles are at least aware of that.
7. You get unnaturally attached to mediocre local food joints.
A little over a year ago, Henry=E2=80=99s Tacos closed its doors. = La-di-da, right?=20 Except Aaron Paul of Breaking Bad tweeted out an attempt to = save the=20 restaurant, and people piled out in droves. There were petitions and = sit-ins.=20 More celebrities gave their support to the little taco stand in North = Hollywood.=20 Of course, it ended up being for naught =E2=80=94 the shop still closed = down =E2=80=94 but the=20 support and outrage was huge.
Here=E2=80=99s the thing: Henry=E2=80=99s Tacos was pretty standard = fare. In a town like Los=20 Angeles, you could throw a burrito in the air and hit a better Mexican = joint.=20 What made it special was the fact that it had existed in the same spot = for 50=20 years. Remember that neighborhood loyalty we talked about way back up in = #1?=20 People are fiercely protective of neighborhood institutions, and when = you grow=20 up getting the same taco every Wednesday, you get attached. Nostalgia is = a tasty=20 seasoning.
Every Angeleno has a local joint they go to, and while it may not be = their=20 favorite =E2=80=94 they might not even go very often =E2=80=94 they = would be devastated to find=20 out it was shutting its doors. Let=E2=80=99s see a McDonald=E2=80=99s = pull that off.
![](3D"http://cdn1.matadornetwork.com/blogs/1/2014/03/in-n-out-=)
8. But you still take friends from out of town straight to the = In-N-Out near=20 the airport.
=E2=80=A6But that=E2=80=99s not to say we hate chains. In-N-Out = isn=E2=80=99t some small local fare=20 by any means =E2=80=94 they=E2=80=99re in Texas now for God=E2=80=99s = sake =E2=80=94 but there=E2=80=99s something about=20 the mystique of the secret menu and its refusal to franchise that makes = it feel=20 distinctly Californian. And it started just outside of Los Angeles, so = we can at=20 least pretend it=E2=80=99s ours.
By now, everybody=E2=80=99s heard of In-N-Out and the secret = menu=E2=80=99s out, so when=20 friends come to visit, they always want to try out the Animal Style = they=E2=80=99ve=20 heard so much about. One of the most convenient locations is on = Sepulveda, just=20 near the exit to LAX, so the line is always packed with foreigners = wondering why=20 the menu is so sparse and locals trying to get one last Double Double = before=20 they go away for a while.
You=E2=80=99d think there would be some kind of hipster effect, where = Angelenos start=20 to hate it as it proliferates outwards, but the food is just too good. I = can=E2=80=99t=20 stay mad at you, 3=C3=973 Animal Style with Animal Fries.
9. You cringe at the word =E2=80=9Chella.=E2=80=9D
Los Angeles and San Francisco have a bit of a one-sided rivalry. San=20 Francisco hates LA. They hate our better weather, they hate our = =E2=80=9Cvapid culture,=E2=80=9D=20 and most of all they hate the Dodgers. Meanwhile, Los Angeles = doesn=E2=80=99t mind San=20 Francisco. The rain and fog is a nice break from the 364 days of = sunshine we get=20 a year. The Giants may win their share of baseball games, but Dodger = Dogs are a=20 damn good consolation prize. Nobody from LA will talk shit on San = Francisco in=20 any serious manner.
Read=20
it: Why San Francisco hates Los Angeles But there=E2=80=99s one thing we can=E2=80=99t forgive: the word = =E2=80=9Chella.=E2=80=9D It=E2=80=99s nails on a=20 chalkboard. If you=E2=80=99ve never heard it before, think of it like a = synonym for=20 =E2=80=9Cvery.=E2=80=9D So, =E2=80=9CDude, I=E2=80=99m pretty = hungry,=E2=80=9D becomes, =E2=80=9CYo, I=E2=80=99m hella = hungry.=E2=80=9D It=E2=80=99s=20 just=E2=80=A6why? The worst part is that nobody can explain why we hate = it so much. We=20 Angelenos say words that probably sound just as stupid to other people. = But=20 hella, man. It=E2=80=99s so, really, very annoying.
10. You get anxious at the prospect of jaywalking or parking.
When I first started going abroad, people would cross the street = wherever the=20 hell they wanted. I didn=E2=80=99t get it. They would run into the = street right in front=20 of cars, even police cars, as if they were playing a real life game of = Frogger,=20 and nobody batted an eye. I had to fight to swallow my anxiety before I = could=20 follow.
It=E2=80=99s not that I was afraid of being hit by a car. = It=E2=80=99s conditioning. In Los=20 Angeles, the police won=E2=80=99t hesitate to pass out jaywalking = tickets to anybody=20 brave enough to step off a curb before the little green man beckons from = across=20 the road. You laugh at that scene in Harold & Kumar. We nod = in=20 humble sympathy. Of course, we have a ton of unsolved crimes, but = somehow=20 passing out jaywalking tickets takes precedence. Gotta get that city = budget back=20 up to snuff, I guess.
It=E2=80=99s the same with parking. Whenever you park, you feel a = biological=20 compulsion to read through every detail of the ticketing times. When = you=E2=80=99re=20 abroad, these roughly amount to =E2=80=9Cdon=E2=80=99t park here at = night.=E2=80=9D In LA, you can park=20 on one side of the street every other day for two hours in the morning = except=20 Tuesdays which is one hour and every other day you can park for six = hours but=20 only if you have a permit. At a certain point, you just say = =E2=80=9Cfuck it=E2=80=9D and park=20 elsewhere. And you=E2=80=99ll still come back to find a ticket left a = minute after the=20 time expired.
11. You=E2=80=99re fanatical about at least one of Los = Angeles=E2=80=99 sports teams.
Maybe you=E2=80=99ve heard: Los Angeles has sports teams. And = they=E2=80=99re pretty damn=20 good. So good, in fact, that some of their best rivalries don=E2=80=99t = even leave the=20 city. Bryant #24 jerseys are so popular that half the people wearing = them=20 couldn=E2=80=99t name another player, and the Clippers handed the Lakers = their worst=20 loss in team history this year. The Kings won the Stanley Cup recently = and=20 single-handedly turned a city into hockey fanatics (bandwagon or not, = the city=20 loves its hockey). Without a professional football team, we=E2=80=99ve = turned USC and=20 UCLA into one of the greatest rivalries in sports, where people who = attended=20 neither pick sides.
Sports practically run this town. The very health and stability of = the city=20 hinges on whether or not one of our teams is in the running for the = National=20 Championship, and there=E2=80=99s gonna be a riot no matter the outcome. = A city so broke=20 it gives out jaywalking tickets will foot the bill for a parade if = there=E2=80=99s a=20 win.
Of course, this isn=E2=80=99t localized to Los Angeles. Everybody = either loves us, or=20 loves to hate us. But there=E2=80=99s something about getting free tacos = in the Staples=20 Center after a Lakers win that tastes oh so good.
12. You consider car chases a sport.
Speaking of being the national champions. Los Angeles is so good at = car=20 chases we have dedicated apps to let us know when they=E2=80=99re on TV. = That=E2=80=99s when we=20 crack a beer and cheer on our boys in blue as they zip through the = streets in=20 the ultimate contact sport. The news anchors are the announcers. The = times the=20 perp almost gets away are the touchdown plays. When the chase gets = within a few=20 blocks of your house, that=E2=80=99s a home game, and you better be = craning your neck=20 for a glimpse of the action.
Hell, OJ Simpson is our standing MVP in football and the chase.
It=E2=80=99s a morbid sport, sure. A lot of people aren=E2=80=99t =
into them. But like I said,=20
people in LA are desensitized to traffic, and that includes the traffic =
hurtling=20
50 miles an hour down the wrong side of the road. In a town so driven by =
cars,=20
you gotta insert a little levity into the equation. That=E2=80=99s the =
real mark of an=20
Angeleno.
![](3D"http://cdn.matadornetwork.com.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/im=)
We think you might also like:
=20
Colin Heinrich
Colin spent his childhood being dragged kicking and screaming across = America.=20 As an adult, he realized he's a glutton for punishment, and now he's = throwing=20 himself across the world. He lives for the story and will do anything = for the=20 experience of it, though his friends don't agree that's an excuse to eat = that=20 cricket in Thailand. Colin enjoys guacamole (that cricket could have = used some),=20 music festivals, and that place in Joshua Tree that looks like a = Salvador Dal=C3=AD=20 painting if you look at it the right way. Follow his adventures at http://www.elsewhereman.com/.
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