So you=E2=80=99ve =
lived in Buenos=20
Aires for three years. You=E2=80=99ve roasted beef over hot coals, =
you=E2=80=99ve overpaid for=20
tango shoes and even used them occasionally, and your accent is so =
convincing,=20
you could make a viral YouTube video out of it. Argentine friends tell =
you=20
=E2=80=9Csos m=C3=A1s porte=C3=B1o que el Obelisco=E2=80=9D and =
=E2=80=9Cest=C3=A1s m=C3=A1s acriollado que el=20
dulce de leche,=E2=80=9D just because you drink fernet=20
and end every sentence with =E2=80=9Cboludo.=E2=80=9D
But as you watch them link arms and jump up and down to some dreadful =
Argentine ska-punk band from the early 1990s, you begin to doubt that =
you=E2=80=99ll=20
ever really be one of them. Cultivate that doubt. You will never truly =
be an=20
Argentine. Here=E2=80=99s why.
1. You think people catch colds from coming into contact with =
what we=20
doctors call the =E2=80=9Crhinovirus.=E2=80=9D In fact, colds =
are caused by going out=20
with wet hair and an exposed neck when the season changes. Also, =
it=E2=80=99s not a=20
cold, it=E2=80=99s flu. Probably swine flu.
2. You=E2=80=99re puzzled by the excitement such ordinary =
foods inspire in=20
the locals. You think alfajores are all right, but =
you=E2=80=99d=20
rather have a Twix. You don=E2=80=99t have an irrational emotional urge =
to eat pasta=20
every Sunday. Crem=C3=B3n cheese adverts anger you. =
=E2=80=9CThat=E2=80=99s not cheese!=E2=80=9D you=20
mutter at the TV. =E2=80=9CThat=E2=80=99s not cheese!=E2=80=9D
3. You feel a twinge of anxiety when your taxi =
doesn=E2=80=99t have=20
seatbelts.
4. Your clothes are all wrong. You think elegante =
sport is the Spanish for =E2=80=9Cshow jumping.=E2=80=9D You =
don=E2=80=99t know when to wear a tie=20
or not (answer: never wear a tie). The only time you ever wore=20
alpargatas was for a fancy dress party, to which you went as =
the=20
world=E2=80=99s least-convincing gaucho. It=E2=80=99s even worse if =
you=E2=80=99re a foreign woman in=20
Buenos Aires, enduring the third year of a grueling=20
buffing-waxing-shopping-dieting regime, in constant fear that the =
slightest slip=20
will result in being cast out from polite society.
5. You=E2=80=99re scared of the plug sockets.
6. You don=E2=80=99t know the first thing about =
piropos. You=20
think it=E2=80=99s quite rude to shout out compliments and/or oral sex =
requests / offers=20
at passing women. The most daring thing you ever said to a strange woman =
in=20
public was when you asked a pretty girl at the bus stop the time. =
You=E2=80=99ve never=20
had sex with a prostitute either. Maric=C3=B3n.
7. You=E2=80=99re too polite. You say =
=E2=80=9Chola=E2=80=9D when you walk=20
into a supermarket. You say =E2=80=9Cpor favor=E2=80=9D to the =
bus driver. You think the=20
Spanish for =E2=80=9Cthank you=E2=80=9D is gracias, when it is in =
fact listo, and=20
you think the Spanish for =E2=80=9Cgoodbye=E2=80=9D is chau, when =
it is in fact a stony=20
silence.
8. Paradoxically, you=E2=80=99re too rude. You take =
your shoes off=20
indoors. You eat lunch without using a napkin. Sometimes, you just =
can=E2=80=99t be=20
bothered to kiss people goodbye. Ortiba.
9. That=E2=80=99s not cheese!
10. You can=E2=80=99t make a drink in a bar last longer than =
30 minutes=20
without ordering another, and you never cease to be amazed at =
how these=20
people can jabber on until 6am with just a 7-Up for sustenance.
11. Your poverty / crisis / quilombo threshold is =
too=20
low. Don=E2=80=99t get me wrong, you enjoy a good old =
cacerolazo as=20
much as the next Recoleta housewife, and a severe devaluation of the =
peso would=20
bring you and your foreign bank account nothing but joy. But your =
patience will=20
prove short if the government keeps depriving you of iPhones and =
Sriracha sauce,=20
and at the first sign of things really kicking off 2001-style =
you=E2=80=99ll be on the=20
first plane to Barcelona (feeling no patriotic duty to fly =
Aerol=C3=ADneas). Also,=20
don=E2=80=99t all these poor people get awfully depressing after a =
while?
12. Your Spanish will never be good enough. You =
could=20
immerse yourself in a small village in Entre R=C3=ADos for 30 years, cut =
yourself off=20
from all contact with the English language, and the locals will still =
think of=20
you as a foreigner and comment that you=E2=80=99ve got a bit of a =
tonito ingl=C3=A9s.=20
The bastards.
13. Finally, there is one watertight indicator of =
your=20
inherent un-Argentineness: no matter how hard you try, you just =
can=E2=80=99t get that=20
enthusiastic about Erasure.
Daniel Tunnard is a =
British=20
writer and translator living in Buenos Aires. His hilarious first book =
"Colectivaizeishon",=20
about his quest to take all the buses in Buenos Aires, is out in Spanish =
now=20
from Reservoir Books (Random House Mondadori) and will be out in English =
in=20
2014. He does stand-up every Tuesday at Caf=C3=A9=20
Rivas in San Telmo, Buenos Aires
That one is a variety of cheese. Here in argentina you can buy =
different=20
cheese classes. That one called cremon, is a kind of =E2=80=9Cqueso =
fresco=E2=80=9D, or=20
=E2=80=9Cfresh cheese=E2=80=9D. It=E2=80=99s an unaged cheese =
(that=E2=80=99s why it=E2=80=99s called fresh) and=20
it=E2=80=99s It=E2=80=99s creamy and salty. The creamy factor =
depends of the cheese=20
age.
Here the people uses it on pizzas, instead of mozzarella, because =
its=20
salty flavor and in the traditional =E2=80=9Cempanadas=E2=80=9D, as =
well on other=20
dishes.
=20
=20
maria =
What would anyone want to be Argentinian anyway?
Meme =
Well=E2=80=A6 you clearly don=E2=80=99t have what it takes to be =
a brit=20
anyway=E2=80=A6
=20
=20
gtfooh =
dont like cheese here, just dont eat it next time you are in a =
taxi ask=20
the driver for the seat belts, are always under the seat because =
nobody use=20
that you dont have to know where to wear a tie, just have to know =
if you=20
want to wear it we dont have enough money to get a drink every half =
hour=20
from midnight to 7am, if you pay we drink i recommend chile as a =
country=20
for you, here you will never get it no matter how many buses you=20
ride.
Daniel Tunnard =
=20
Calm down, love.
=20
colindoc84 =
=20
Just so you know, he=E2=80=99s writing about people=E2=80=99s =
reactions to Argentina, not=20
Argentina itself. So by taking it personally, it proves that you =
completely=20
missed the point.
=20
Dahlia =
You are the reason why we=E2=80=99re perceived as jerks and stuck =
up,=20
darling
Lucila =
=20
I=E2=80=99m with you.
=
=20
=20
Lucila =
he doesn=E2=80=99t miss the point,daniel wast reposting something =
without knowing=20
anything from Argentina.=E2=80=9DDaniel Tunnard is a British writer =
and translator=20
living in Buenos Aires.=E2=80=9D(Daniel is british) He looks =
eveything from his=20
point of view,he can=E2=80=99t see from the point of native =
argentinians.It has=20
nothing to do writing bad about argentinians people.Hey I have =
something to=20
say to you, we=E2=80=99re not all same.Maybe you get in touch with =
the bad example=20
of argentinian people,the worst of the society.And about the =
taxi=E2=80=99s belt,=20
you have to ask(here in the driving class for take the driver =
license=20
instructors says :if you are taking a taxi and it hasn=E2=80=99t the =
security belts=20
you have to ask or non taking that taxi).
=20
=20
Patrick C Patrick =
=20
I have never been to Argentina so its hard for me to understand =
#6
compliments I can understand but sex requests at passing women=20
?
okinawa_g =
=20
I=E2=80=99m from argentina, every time a girl walks by a =
construction site/ taxi=20
driver/ bunch of guys/etc. they=E2=80=99ll shout things at her like: =
=E2=80=9CNice ass!=E2=80=9D =E2=80=9COh=20
the things I=E2=80=99d do!=E2=80=9D =E2=80=9Cyou=E2=80=99re gorgeous =
bebe=E2=80=9D and others that I can=E2=80=99t really=20
write=E2=80=A6 It can be cute some times but most of the time =
it=E2=80=99s disgusting and=20
offensive.
=20
=20
Silvia =
Hilariuous. And there=E2=80=99s only one reason: you didn=E2=80=99t =
born here. Regardless,=20
trying to be argentine is like a rollercoaster, even for us, but if =
you like=20
adventure maybe you=E2=80=99d like to try.
=20
=20
Tyler Muse =
=20
Hahaha =E2=80=9Cyou think the Spanish for =E2=80=9Cgoodbye=E2=80=9D =
is chau, when it is in fact a=20
stony silence=E2=80=9D=E2=80=A6 not if you =
smile!!!
=20
=20
gb =
jajajja=E2=80=A6 cultural guide!!!! me haces reir!!!! para empezar =
tienes que=20
viajar y leer un poco mas acerca del mundo=E2=80=A6 y luego =
preguntarte porque tienes=20
tantos huevos para criticar lo que no conoces=E2=80=A6 quizas =
encuentres la respuesta=20
en que tienes mucho miedo de conocerte a ti mismo!!!!! vete a =
pensarlo y=20
practicarlo un poco, bajo la falda de tu reinado=E2=80=A6 y =
agradece mucho a la=20
vida por darte de comer, de escribir pendejadas!!! jajajaja cultural=20
guide=E2=80=A6!!!! no te puedes guiar ni a ti =
mismo!!!!
=20
=20
Ricardo =
Your Spanish will never be good enough.
I don=E2=80=99t agree with this one. I=E2=80=99ve met Aussies and =
Americans with an=20
excellent Spanish with a foreign accent, of course. That is perfect!. =
It=20
happens the other way around, I will never speak like a native English =
speaker=20
because I have an Argentinian accent and that=E2=80=99s =
alright. The rest was good=20
and I think you missed one: =E2=80=9CYou need to sleep during the =
night instead of=20
going to parties=E2=80=9D
=
Elizabeth Maiuolo =
=20
I am argentinian who=E2=80=99s been living abroad for 12 years now =
and I agree with=20
everything you say. And to tell you the truth, I don=E2=80=99t think =
it=E2=80=99s worth the=20
effort to fit in. And I am from there!!!!
=20
=20
Lucila =
A, ver no me gust=C3=B3 nada esta nota,yo soy Argentina y muy pocos =
de tus=20
puntos me convencieron,me pareci=C3=B3 una falta de respeto.Me =
identifico a m=C3=AD y=20
mis amigos,familiares en muy pocos de estos puntos,como para que digas =
que eso=20
es ser un argentino y que un extranjero no puede sentirse un argentino =
porque=20
no cumple con lo descripto en los =
puntos.Indignada.
=20
=20
pilar =
You forget that you can spent 30 years in that small village in =
Entre R=C3=ADos,=20
but you will never really understand the =E2=80=9CPeronismo=E2=80=9D =
=20
Maru =
No one does=E2=80=A6 even some of us: educated =
argentineans
=20
=20
Noelia =
Ortiva va con V!!!!!
(Ortiva is spelled with a V!!!!) =20
Pri =
Ortiba va con =E2=80=9Cb=E2=80=9D, como bien escribi=C3=B3 el =
autor. Viene de =E2=80=9Cbatidor=E2=80=9D. Hay=20
que investigar antes de corregir. Beso =20
=
=20
=20
cintia =
Wow, really, a brit critisizing food=E2=80=A6That=C2=B4s a new =
one, I bet you have=20
thousands of cheese types there, just like here=E2=80=A6Twix before =
an alfajor???!!!!=20
we are not polite?????? I think you=C2=B4ve been to another country. =
Better go=20
back to your bubble of a country, where people didn=C2=B4t have to go =
throgh=20
economic crisis every 10 years. Really, this piece is just a =
completely=20
superficial view of a complex society=E2=80=A6 not insightful at all. =
But I agree in=20
one point: you=C2=B4ll NEVER be an =
argentinean.
![](3D"HTTP://cdn.matadornetwork.com.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/im=)
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