Pure hogwash. The Southern dialect is soft and beautifully cadenced =
and makes=20
up the largest accent group in the US. Some of our most popular terms =
are:=20
y=E2=80=99all, short for =E2=80=9Cyou all;=E2=80=9D =
reckon, which means =E2=80=9Cto think,=20
imagine, or suppose;=E2=80=9D fixin=E2=80=99 to, which lets =
people know you=E2=80=99re =E2=80=9Cgetting=20
ready to=E2=80=9D do something. As in, =E2=80=9CI=E2=80=99m =
fixin=E2=80=99 to tell you a few stories.=E2=80=9D
Southerners are fat.
While it=E2=80=99s true that the fattest states are in the South, =
folks in the rest=20
of the country aren=E2=80=99t exactly walking around looking like =
beanpoles.
Country music sucks.
Whenever someone says this, I think Bless your heart. It only =
takes=20
one artist to change your mind about an entire genre. For me it was =
David Allan=20
Coe.
I went to one of his shows. He was sitting shirtless on a stool =
=E2=80=94 tattoos and=20
belly hanging everywhere =E2=80=94 swigging George Dickel from the =
bottle. Halfway=20
through =E2=80=9CYou Never Even Called Me By My Name,=E2=80=9D Coe spit =
up on himself like a=20
wicked baby. A performer does this and you think Well, he =
can=E2=80=99t possibly top=20
that. Oddly enough, he did. Guitar in hand, Coe proceeded to tear =
the roof=20
off, changing my perception of country music (and functioning =
alcoholics)=20
forever.
Everyone lives in a trailer.
This is false. Whenever a tornado hits some small Southern town, the =
news=20
reporters usually cruise over to some devastated trailer park and ignore =
the=20
surrounding area. Is this bad reporting? Yes and no. On one hand, =
it=E2=80=99s not=20
exactly fair and balanced. On the other, they are giving people what =
they=20
want.
If a tornado is going to touch down, many Americans, I think, would =
prefer to=20
see it touch down on a trailer park in the South. We want reporters to =
interview=20
the victims. We want them to be fat with curlers in their hair, smoking =
a broken=20
cigarette and jabbering things that confirm our preconceptions of what =
it means=20
to be a =E2=80=9Credneck=E2=80=9D or =E2=80=9Ctrailer trash.=E2=80=9D In =
the internet age, this is video=20
gold.
Southerners hate gays.
As a native of North Carolina, a state which has voted to prohibit =
any kind=20
of same-sex union, I can see why a non-Southerner would say this. But =
you=E2=80=99re=20
wrong. Southerners love gays, so much so that we=E2=80=99ll do =
whatever it takes=20
to protect them from having to endure painful dinner conversations with =
in-laws,=20
or giving away half their stuff when they divorce.
Please do not tell me about equal rights =E2=80=94 I don=E2=80=99t =
have a facetious comment=20
for that yet.
Southerners are not well traveled.
In my experience, Southerners do travel, but more times than not they =
tend to=20
travel around the South. Growing up, I=E2=80=99d been from DC to New =
Orleans to Key=20
West, but had never been north of the Mason-Dixon line. I had no =
interest in=20
seeing the North until I was 21, when a college buddy from New Jersey =
persuaded=20
me to drive up to visit. I would later drive across the US and travel =
and live=20
in Asia and then Europe.
We=E2=80=99re all crazy about deer hunting.
Some, but not all. The last time I was visiting my parents, two men =
knocked=20
on our door. =E2=80=9CGood morning,=E2=80=9D they said, and asked if =
they could shoot the=20
squirrels in our yard. A strange request. The men were wearing =
camouflage and=20
carrying high-tech pellet guns. My mom said okay (she hates squirrels =
messing=20
with her bird feeder) and the men spent the morning stalking around the =
edge of=20
our yard like cats, staring up at the trees.
The Squirrel Hunters returned the following week with a plastic =
container of=20
squirrel stew, as a thank-you. It was pretty gamy, but when we fed it to =
the=20
dogs, they went absolutely wild.
Southerners love their guns too much.
I did not know this was even a thing until I went off to college. =
Growing up,=20
everyone I knew had like seven or eight guns in the house, no big deal. =
When I=20
was ten or so, our whole family would head into the woods and practice =
shooting=20
at cans set up like a shooting gallery. Our family didn=E2=80=99t =
believe in hunting =E2=80=94=20
mom made that clear =E2=80=94 but it was understood that if anyone ever =
broke into our=20
home, they were fair game.
Is that too much?
We wear camo everywhere, even church.
Many Southerners wear camo the way some golfers wear golf shirts off =
the=20
course. Camo is functional in that it helps hunters blend into their=20
surroundings to fool prey. But it=E2=80=99s also an extension of =
personality, enabling=20
its wearer to blend into certain social circles, the subtext reading, =
I hunt=20
therefore I am.
But I=E2=80=99ve never heard of anyone wearing camo to church in =
earnest =E2=80=94 even=20
amongst die-hard hunters this would be considered inappropriate. Though =
that=20
doesn=E2=80=99t mean it=E2=80=99s never happened.
Everyone in the South drinks Mountain Dew.
Not true. When I was growing up, I had a friend who was a soft drink=20
aficionado. His whole family was. My friend=E2=80=99s drink of choice =
was Mello Yello.=20
His older brother drank Sun Drop. His mother drank Diet Pepsi. His =
step-dad only=20
drank Dr. Pepper. His oldest brother drank Mountain Dew, and though =
he=E2=80=99d already=20
moved out, they kept a bottle around for when he came to visit.
Once, I mistakenly poured myself a glass of Sun Drop, and my friend =
told me,=20
with absolute seriousness, never to drink anyone else=E2=80=99s soft =
drink without their=20
permission. It was a house rule. After that, the bottles huddled on the =
kitchen=20
table began to look more and more like a plastic depiction of his =
family.
Everyone is inbred.
I=E2=80=99ve only known one person who married a cousin. I remember =
she showed us her=20
engagement ring on the school bus. People=E2=80=99s first question was, =
=E2=80=9CYou=E2=80=99re=20
engaged?=E2=80=9D followed by =E2=80=9CTo who?=E2=80=9D We all =
lived in a pretty rural area, but=20
her answer to this second question was flat-out bonkers no matter where =
you=20
lived.
Everyone makes moonshine.
You wish! I=E2=80=99ve had the good fortune of coming across a batch =
of moonshine=20
from time to time. One Christmas morning I found a jar of it in my =
stocking. The=20
note attached read =E2=80=9CFrom Santa=E2=80=9D and looked suspiciously =
like my mother=E2=80=99s=20
handwriting. Not everyone makes moonshine, though, and that=E2=80=99s =
one of the things=20
that makes it special.
Barbecue is just barbecue.
This is just plain wrong. Barbecue, like dialects, changes with the =
region.=20
In North Carolina, for example, there=E2=80=99s Lexington-style =
barbecue, a=20
vinegar-and-ketchup-type sauce that uses only the pork shoulder. And =
there=E2=80=99s=20
Eastern Carolina barbecue, which uses every part of the hog except the =
squeal.=20
It=E2=80=99s chopped up and drenched with a vinegar-and-pepper-based =
sauce with no=20
tomato whatsoever.
In college I took a geography course called the =E2=80=9CGeography of =
Barbecue.=E2=80=9D Best=20
field trips ever.
Chewing tobacco is gross.
I don=E2=80=99t think so. I used to work at a golf course with an old =
groundskeeper=20
named Jimmy. We=E2=80=99d talk every day, but once a month or so =
he=E2=80=99d pull out a pouch=20
of Red Man and say, =E2=80=9CYou want a little chaw?=E2=80=9D His voice =
was very kind. I=E2=80=99d take=20
the occasional chew with him, and there we were, two guys sitting in a =
golf cart=20
on a hot summer day, spitting into the pine straw.
Yes, old Jimmy might have developed a fatal mouth cancer by now, and =
yes,=20
chewing tobacco is a nasty habit, but memories have a funny way of =
filtering out=20
the negative.
Southerners are racist.
I included this argument because it is a common one. My first =
instinct was to=20
exclude it altogether =E2=80=94 an easy way out. Nobody would probably =
notice or say=20
anything. But this strikes me as kinda cowardly. My biggest fear is =
coming back=20
to this piece one day and seeing a hole, a place where I shied away =
=E2=80=94 like a=20
scaredy cat, basically.
I wish I had a story to tell, but this feels better than nothing.=20
=20
Get more stuff like this in your inbox!
Sign up for our newsletter and get emails of great stories like =
this.
C. Noah Pelletier is working on a series of essays about growing up =
in the=20
American South, marrying young, and living abroad. Having spent two =
years in=20
China, he has traveled extensively throughout South East Asia. A native =
of=20
North Carolina, Noah now resides in Germany with his wife, where they =
have once=20
again come to terms with metal cutlery. Follow him @flyingknuckle.
You contract most of your own points in the body =
text.
=20
=20
Jrh =
Not sure if serious
=20
Costa del Tennis =
=20
umm=E2=80=A6wow
=20
Paul =
This is a bizarre article. As someone else comments, not sure if =
this is=20
serious. To a non-southerner, you reinforce every stereotype in the =
headings=20
in the text below them.
scryberwitch =
=20
It=E2=80=99s half-serious. I=E2=80=99m a Southerner, and =
he=E2=80=99s spot on. All stereotypes=20
have a kernel of truth in them.
=20
=20
Jennifer =
agreed with the other commenters, not sure if this is serious. and =
honestly=20
the part about the South loving gays so much sounds a lot like =
something a Tea=20
Party member would say=E2=80=A6
=20
scryberwitch =
=20
Spoken like a true son of the South. I want to take that =
=E2=80=9CGeography of=20
Barbecue=E2=80=9D class!
=20
http://www.theepicadventurer.com/ Julia=20
I appreciate that this piece isn=E2=80=99t cruel (like a lot of =
other posts on=20
Matador can be). This northerner with southern family appreciates it =
=20
=20
john doe =
=E2=80=9CSoutherners love gays, so much so that we=E2=80=99ll do =
whatever it takes to=20
protect them from having to endure painful dinner conversations =
with =20
in-laws, or giving away half their stuff when they =
divorce.=E2=80=9D
=E2=80=A6.ugh=E2=80=A6.wait what? First, by =E2=80=98protecting =
them=E2=80=99 from painful dinner=20
conversations=E2=80=99, I=E2=80=99m pretty sure you just mean =
=E2=80=9Cwe don=E2=80=99t talk about the fact so=20
and so is gay, cause it=E2=80=99s awkward telling someone =
they=E2=80=99re going to hell at the=20
dinner table=E2=80=9D. and I=E2=80=99m especially confused about the =
=E2=80=9Cgiving away half their=20
stuff when they divorce=E2=80=9D=E2=80=A6 as though gays can get =
married in the first=20
place
=20
Kit Kimberly =
=20
wow, some people really don=E2=80=99t get Southern humour. Or =
humor. Oops, lived=20
abroad too long.
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