No seafood joint=E2=80=99s menu is complete without this Gulf Coast =
delicacy. My New=20
Yorker brother-in-law, after trying them in my hometown=E2=80=99s =
canal-side upscale=20
seafood restaurant, later asked, =E2=80=9CCan we get more of those fried =
balls of=20
dough?=E2=80=9D That about sums it up.
2. You know the joys of Yuengling.
The nation=E2=80=99s oldest brewing company is actually distributed =
across the East,=20
and if you grew up in Florida, you know it as the king of the =
upper-bottom-tier=20
gas station beers.
3. You know there are three Floridas.
NoFlo (no one calls it that) is basically southern Georgia/Alabama. =
SoFlo=20
(ditto) is northern Cuba/DR/South America and a retirement abyss. CenFlo =
(ditto)=20
is a confused a-cultural region where all the tourist stuff is.
4. You=E2=80=99ve never paid for entry into theme parks.
Trust me =E2=80=94 there=E2=80=99s always a way.
5. You know Gatorland, Cypress Gardens, Reptile Land, Dinosaur =
World,=20
etc.
Florida was once bustling with a charming array of minor theme parks =
adults=20
would try to convince you were just as cool as Disney when you were a =
kid. Some=20
of them actually were.
6. You only occasionally care about Florida pro sports that =
aren=E2=80=99t=20
basketball.
Even then, most people still don=E2=80=99t care about the Heat unless =
they=E2=80=99re from=20
Miami, the Magic ditto Orlando. Otherwise, every Florida pro sports fan =
abides=20
by a rollercoaster relationship with their teams: You love the Marlins =
until the=20
Yankees gut their young talent, you pretend to care about the Dolphins =
on=20
Sundays, you forget we have hockey teams, and no one watches the =
Jags.
I=E2=80=99ve read the last few years=E2=80=99 worth of these from =
Buzzfeed and thought they=20
were funny in a quaint, nostalgic kind of way. I even went to high =
school with=20
somebody on the list, and another who should have made the list after =
making CNN=20
for getting his arm bit off by a gator.
8. You can=E2=80=99t breathe in higher altitudes.
Florida is practically below sea level. If you=E2=80=99re a native =
Floridian and have=20
tried running up and down hills or hiking mountains, you suddenly =
realized what=20
asthmatics must feel like.
9.You know where crocodiles come from.
No, there are no crocodiles in Florida. There are, incidentally, lots =
and=20
lots of Crocs.
10. You don=E2=80=99t notice sweat.
In July in Florida, you can walk to your car, grab the phone you left =
in=20
there, and come back inside to see fresh pit-puddles on your shirt when =
you pass=20
the mirror. If you hadn=E2=80=99t seen it, you never would have =
known.
11. You=E2=80=99re just a little bit Southern.
Even the ones like me who moved off and eschew Southern-ness still at =
least=20
crave BBQ, own shotguns, and obsess over the football teams of schools =
they=20
didn=E2=80=99t attend.
12. You know Universal is way, way better than Disney.
When you grow up taking annual field trips to theme parks, you figure =
out=20
after you=E2=80=99re like seven years old that unless you=E2=80=99re a =
girl who still wants to=20
be a princess, Disney World kind of sucks. Everyone wishes they could go =
to=20
Hogwarts, though =E2=80=94 I don=E2=80=99t care how old you are.
13. FSU v. UF is the biggest rivalry in sports.
It doesn=E2=80=99t matter what part of Florida you=E2=80=99re from =
(well, maybe not way=20
south) =E2=80=94 your life was at some point in some way affected by the =
country=E2=80=99s=20
biggest redneck football rivalry.
14. You know the Tampa shit-hole paradox.
Tampa is one of the more interesting cities I=E2=80=99ve ever been =
to, mostly because=20
it=E2=80=99s a total shit hole while also being cool in a=20
cousin-with-a-weird-social-disorder-who-makes-funny-jokes-about-your-uncl=
e kind=20
of way. This is also the anomalous sports city, and the only place =
you=E2=80=99ll find=20
actual Rays, Bucks, or Lightning fans.
15. You think Tampa is a joke.
Everyone from Florida eyes Tampa with the skepticism with which =
they=E2=80=99d buy=20
street food in an Asian island country. However, Tampians will defend =
their city=20
like the parent of a highly spoiled and deeply idiotic child: You =
don=E2=80=99t=20
understand =E2=80=94 that=E2=80=99s just how he is.
16. You know where to find carnies in the off-season.
Gibsontown and Valrico are infamous carnie haunts. Wondering where =
you might=20
find them? You guessed it, right by Tampa. (Non-Floridians, are you =
getting the=20
idea about Tampa yet?)
17. You=E2=80=99ve had thong tans on your feet.
I personally hate flip-flops, but a lot of people wear them 12 months =
out of=20
the year in Florida, giving them a lovely big-toe farmer=E2=80=99s =
tan.
18. You know Dexter was definitely not shot on-location.
There are not nearly enough armpit stains in Dexter=E2=80=99s =
long-sleeved=20
shirts.
19. You=E2=80=99re okay with swimming anywhere there=E2=80=99s =
water.
Canals, ditches, ponds, lakes, oceans, retention ponds, reservoirs, =
swimming=20
pools =E2=80=94 you name it, most Floridians have swum it. Whether they =
lived to tell=20
about it isn=E2=80=99t always a given, though.
20. A landfill qualifies as a hill.
NoFlo (again, no one actually says that) actually has hills since =
it=E2=80=99s=20
basically, as stated, southern Georgia/Alabama. For the rest of us, =
colossal=20
mounds of waste have to suffice.
21. The idea of snow tires is absurd.
You actually have to change your car tires for just a few months out =
of the=20
year? Why do you even drive?
22. You have no idea what a radiator is.
I live 2k miles away now, and I still don=E2=80=99t know.
23. You have no idea what the Polar Vortex is.
Again, I still don=E2=80=99t know.
24. You say =E2=80=98up north=E2=80=99 and still refer to the =
South.
Sometimes this applies even after you move to a different region. =
I=E2=80=99m pretty=20
sure I=E2=80=99ve said it while living in the Southwest to refer to =
South Carolina.
25. Turning on the heat just means turning off the AC.
In the in-between temperatures this might also entail opening the =
doors and=20
windows, depending on your proximity to standing water.
26. You didn=E2=80=99t know your feet could get cold.
I went to see my sister in NYC in December one year with only a pair =
of Toms.=20
I coped by doubling up on socks and walking in place.
27. Your thickest jacket is a flannel.
I have two winter coats: the one I got to visit my sister in 2009 and =
the=20
absurdly bulky leather jacket my dad used to wear in the =E2=80=9980s =
when he lived up=20
north (Maryland).
28. 60 degrees is cold.
Mom: =E2=80=9CIt=E2=80=99s going to get down to 60 today. Better take =
your heavy=20
flannel!=E2=80=9D
29. You=E2=80=99ve been to Orlando for some reason other than =
tourism.
Concerts, college, conferences, field trips, internships, a job, just =
passing=20
through=E2=80=A6I personally lived there for five years (four for =
college), and I can=20
tell you even the majority of people who live there moved there for a=20
reason.
30. Long-distance travel gives you phantom E-Pass/SunPass =
syndrome.
Toll roads are a way of life in Florida. After moving away, I still =
sometimes=20
feel like I=E2=80=99m doing something wrong if I=E2=80=99m not paying =
money just to drive on a=20
highway.
31. You know the =E2=80=98secret=E2=80=99 to removing love bugs from =
your car.
Soapy water and dryer sheets, according to my mom. (Does driving =
through a=20
cloud of love bugs remind anyone else of the Millennium Falcon =
entering=20
hyperdrive?)
=20
Get more stuff like this in your inbox!
Sign up for our newsletter and get emails of great stories like =
this.
B=
ryce=20
has worked with several other publications, including BULL: Men's =
Fiction &=20
H_NGM_N. He writes and edits from New Mexico and blogs about advertising =
at advertventures.wordpress.co=
m.
Why do we have to hate on Disney? Every other one of these points =
made me=20
laugh. While I feel resentful of the assertion that Universal is =
better, I=20
have to admit the author may have me pegged: I do still want to be a =
princess.=20
>.<
Nicole Knox =
=20
I find Floridians go one of two ways. You=E2=80=99re like myself =
(and the author)=20
and think Universal all the way or somehow the magic has stayed =
alive for=20
you and you=E2=80=99re a Disney fanatic.
=20
=20
Yasmari Garay =
=20
Oh the Tampa ones got me! Too funny =20
=20
Nicole Knox =
=20
You missed that you don=E2=80=99t know what shoes are and you =
don=E2=80=99t believe in=20
negative temperatures, although the Polar Vortex thing touched on=20
it.
=20
Kurt =
Me? I prefer SeaWorld to ANY other attraction! I could go EVERY =
year. I=20
LOVE IT! Restaurants, shows, rides, and animals. OH, THE =
ANIMALS! Kurt=20
from Cape Coral
=20
j =
sorry florida, but it seems our California is =
better.
=20
=20
Daniel =
I=E2=80=99m from California. What the heck is a love =
bug?
![](3D"http://cdn1.matadornetwork.com/blogs/1/2014/04/melbourne=)
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=20
=20
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