Photo by 20=20 buckz.
I=E2=80=99ve never completely understood why San =
Franciscans talk=20
smack about Los=20
Angeles.
I=E2=80=99M FROM LOS ANGELES, and I love San Francisco. I=E2=80=99d = never call it San=20 Fran or crowd the streetcars on my way to eat Ghiradelli chocolate = and=20 Boudin bread bowls of clam chowder at Fisherman=E2=80=99s Wharf. = We=E2=80=99re Californian too!=20 We respect your vibe man!
But many San Franciscans see it differently. You can be brutally = attacked=20 (read: coyly judged) for merely mentioning that you=E2=80=99re from Los = Angeles.
Last summer my girlfriend and I went to a cafe on Warschauer = Stra=C3=9Fe in=20 Berlin. An American employee was excited to meet us because we could be = audience=20 to her joke about how her boss looks like Screech from Saved By The = Bell. She=20 was friendly when we told her we were from California, but when we = explained we=20 were from the south, she spent six minutes talking shit. All we wanted = was our=20 certified organic blueberry muffin and maybe to make another friend who = spoke=20 our language, so we could tell them about how our landlord looks like = the German=20 Mr. Belding. But no, she decided to stand by her NorCal values = (NorCalVals) from=20 5,657 miles away.
Yet still, I hold no grudge. I love San Francisco. Last week I was = delighted=20 to discover that all the credit card debt I=E2=80=99d accrued would come = in handy: I now=20 had enough rewards points to fly to The Bay for about the cost of a = German ATM=20 fee. I would travel to San Francisco in hopes of pacifying the haters = and=20 finally unifying both So- and NorCals under the ideology of=20 PanCalifornianism!
When I touched down at SFO, I almost left my backpack on the gangway, = because=20 I didn=E2=80=99t read the part of my ticket stub that said: Pick up your = bag from the=20 gate=E2=80=A6you idiot. I walked out to the terminal to look for rapid = transit and asked=20 a man checking into his flight for assistance.
=E2=80=9CYou know where BART is?=E2=80=9D
I even omitted the =E2=80=9Cthe=E2=80=9D that we Southern = Californians are obsessed with=20 putting before our modes of transportation.
=E2=80=9CA bar? Nah. What? I dunno.=E2=80=9D
San Francisco=E2=80=99s Bay Area Rapid Transit goes directly from the = airport to the=20 downtown, like in every other legitimate city besides Los Angeles. It = was eight=20 bucks to take BART into the city. I sat in a train car with dudes who = looked=20 like they were commuting from Silicon Valley to a website launch party = in SoMa.=20 They either ran a start-up or took their fashion cues from Fast Company: = so many=20 blazers, they may have actually been the brothers Brooks themselves.
The BART conductor was pretty chatty. She reminded everyone on board = to=20 report any unattended baggage and to keep an eye on your own bags. I = remembered=20 overhearing a rumor that thieves try to pickpocket your electronics = while you=E2=80=99re=20 sitting on the train. I wondered if that=E2=80=99s why San Franciscans = think of their=20 city as =E2=80=9CEuropean.=E2=80=9D I disembarked at UN-Civic Center and = took a cab to an old=20 friend=E2=80=99s apartment.
He=E2=80=99d recently moved from New York and was just discovering it = all. We had a=20 quiet evening of drinking IPAs, watching crime dramas, criticizing = design=20 choices on HGTV. The next morning dressed in khakis and a button up = shirt, he=20 made me a cup of drip coffee. I said that he looked dapper. He said that = he felt=20 underdressed. If he was still in New York City he=E2=80=99d be wearing a = suit and tie.=20 The only people wearing suits and ties in San Francisco are out-of-town=20 businessmen and lawyers, but only if they have to go to court.
Even though my friend is a native Angeleno, he said he hates LA for = its=20 fakeness.
=E2=80=9CIt=E2=80=99s a city built on the business of deception. If = you run into your enemy,=20 he will pretend to make plans with you. In New York, your enemy will = tell you to=20 fuck off.=E2=80=9D
I found a cafe well regarded by the Internet at the corner of = Divisadero and=20 Turk. They served Intelligentsia instead of Blue Bottle Coffee. I was = surprised=20 to discover a Los Angeles roaster in San Francisco. That=E2=80=99s like = a Blood hanging=20 out in Crip territory. (Well, technically it=E2=80=99s more of a = Sure=C3=B1o/Norte=C3=B1o prison=20 gang rivalry thing, but I thought that the Bloods/Crips analogy would = make more=20 sense to a wider audience. Because obviously the Crips would prefer Blue = Bottle.)
I checked my email, sent dumb tweets, and searched for more highly = reviewed=20 nearby destinations.
I ate a delicious sandwich while fighting off dogs in the park, and = then,=20 still entirely caffeinated, met a former colleague at a bicycle shop = serving=20 coffee in pint glasses. We=E2=80=99d previously seen each other in = Berlin and Austin. We=20 talked about how every neighborhood in San Francisco and Berlin and = Austin were=20 like different scenes from Portlandia. I walked from the bike messenger = sketch=20 through the feminist bookstore routine to the depths of the hipster=20 hide-and-go-seek bit.
I passed a man in a wheelchair smoking a joint and commended his = leashed cat=20 for being such a good boy. I walked further into The Mission and was = struck by=20 how sketchy-as-fuck the 16th and Mission BART station was. It reminded = me of the=20 addicts and crazy people in front of the MacArthur Park Metro stop in = LA, but in=20 SF members of the creative class waltz by the penniless wielding iPads = and=20 decidedly not making eye contact with meth-heads.
My former Bushwick roommate and I headed for Mexican food, veering = around=20 several people making broad-daylight drug deals. This was the third time = I=E2=80=99d=20 seen my former roommate over regional Mexican cuisine. We=E2=80=99d had = Jalisciense=20 birria in East LA, poblano mole in Bushwick, and now Yucateco salbutes = de pavo=20 in The Mission. Anyway, the Oaxacan restaurant was shut, so we went to=20 Yucatasia around the corner. We thought it was Asian fusion cuisine, but = it just=20 turned out that these emigres from Quintana Roo really liked that Disney = movie=20 where Mickey Mouse wears a wizard hat.
I asked the East Coast native for some insight into the LA-SF = rivalry. He=20 said he really likes San Francisco, but you can=E2=80=99t beat the = weather or the fact=20 that people are actually doing things in Los Angeles.
We went back to my friend=E2=80=99s apartment and watched Kojak and = The Rockford=20 Files on KOFY. The network only broadcasts commercials for AARP or = Colonial Penn=20 Life Insurance. Elderly lunch ladies earnestly talk about the recent = deaths of=20 their husbands, and about Alex Trebek=E2=80=99s handsomeness. I wonder = what commercials=20 will look like when our ironic generation finally needs life insurance = in a few=20 decades: keyboard cats, Facebook albums filled with only pictures of = food, the=20 Old Spice guy.
I got a call from another former colleague and walked to his studio = at the=20 residential edge of The Mission. We drank White Russians and shot a = weird video=20 in front of a green screen. I held a chihuahua and he gave me a haircut = while=20 dressed as a fox. It will be the fourth in a series of barbershop videos = that=20 I=E2=80=99ve made. In the first video I got a reggaeton haircut. This = video will be a=20 haircut in outer space.
We finished early. I was pretty drunk, and my tummy kind of hurt from = mixing=20 dairy with alcohol. I took a cab to meet another friend from high school = at a=20 bar in the Lower Haight. I ate a slice of four-cheese pizza and waited = in line=20 for the bar. A lesbian walked by and told the bouncer that the party was = not as=20 queer as she would have hoped. He said =E2=80=9Ccome back tomorrow, or = any other night.=E2=80=9D=20
After being made to pour out a water bottle, I walked in and found my = high=20 school friend in the back. The DJ played house music and disco edits. I = danced=20 around for a while, before clowning on the maestro for using zip disks = on his=20 drum machine from =E2=80=9998. I ordered more shots that I = didn=E2=80=99t need and after the=20 club closed we walked back to my high school friend=E2=80=99s = high-ceilinged apartment=20 and I crashed on his couch.
The next morning, the native Angeleno friend concisely explained why = San=20 Francisco hates LA: =E2=80=9CThey just don=E2=80=99t get it, and = they=E2=80=99re kind of jealous.=E2=80=9D On=20 his way to work, he stopped for a coffee at a cafe that wasn=E2=80=99t a = chain, picked=20 up a newspaper from a non-corporate bookstore, and bought a gluten-free=20 raspberry scone at an independent bakery. I was kind of jealous that San = Franciscans can get so many things from indie retailers so easily. I = said=20 goodbye at his bus stop, and wandered the city attempting to wait out my = hangover.
I bumped into two people that I knew from various coasts walking down = Market=20 towards the bay. I sat next to toddlers and watched the boats go by. I = walked=20 into the Ferry Building and noticed a huge crowd of people waiting for = drip=20 coffee. I hadn=E2=80=99t seen this many dummies waiting in line for a = cup of coffee=20 since I walked by Intelligentsia on Sunset a few weeks ago.
I walked back through Chinatown toward Hayes Valley to meet up with a = series=20 of old friends. I ran between three separate happy hours, talked about = the=20 profitability of new-new media, chatted about the Tiki-themed bar trend, = promptly ran to one, drank a hot buttered rum, ran to the next happy = hour, got=20 chewed out by the bar maid at Toronado, ate a burrito, drank a shot of = whiskey,=20 took a cab to the depths of The Mission, danced the Twist, returned to = my=20 friend=E2=80=99s house, broke a lamp, fell asleep, vaguely awoke to the = sounds of=20 lesbian sex.
I fell back asleep after counting drunk people walking past the thin = walls,=20 woke up early, sliced my finger trying to fix the lamp, put on a = band-aid, drank=20 more fancy coffee, watched people freeze their compost, ate a frittata, = bought=20 porcelain repair adhesive, walked to Dolores Park, hung with a friend I = hadn=E2=80=99t=20 seen in a while, remembered I=E2=80=99d once given her a business card = for a clown that=20 I=E2=80=99d written my information on, and then met up with friends = I=E2=80=99d only known from=20 the internet.
After all that I felt pretty hungry. I found a taco spot somewhere = along=20 Valencia. At the taqueria a customer wearing a Chivas jersey was jabbing = the=20 taquero about being an Am=C3=A9rica fan. Guadalajara has the same qualms = with Mexico=20 City that the Bay Area has with Los Angeles. Namely being a large city = that=20 matters locally, but not as much on a global scale.
I met up with friends from the dorms. I drank more beers than I could = have=20 handled a decade ago and told them to come visit me in Los Angeles. They = declined. =E2=80=9CUgh, LA? So much traffic, so many assholes, why = don=E2=80=99t you come up=20 here more often?=E2=80=9D I agreed to visit more frequently, but right = now, in typical=20 LA dickhead fashion, I had to roll to another party.
I walked a few miles to meet up with more college friends at a = designer bar=20 with craft cocktails, maybe the one that those Silicon Valley guys from = earlier=20 were on their way to. I told my college buddies about my favorite scenes = from=20 Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Not specifically because I=E2=80=99m a = pervert who=20 remembers that scene where Judge Reinhold imagines Phoebe Cates topless, = but=20 because that scene was playing on the big screen.
At the bar I ran into some old study abroad friends. I told them I = was in San=20 Francisco for travel writing, which was somewhat true, but I only said = that so=20 they wouldn=E2=80=99t think I was a total weirdo for wearing a huge = backpack inside of a=20 blazer bar. I told them I had to jet in a hurry, because I wanted to see = everyone I=E2=80=99d made plans with that night. San Francisco is great = because you can=20 actually cover most of the city on foot. In LA it=E2=80=99s a huge night = if you hit two=20 separate parties.
I walked to a birthday party at a soon-to-be-discovered dive bar with = high=20 ceilings and low prices. I was supposed to go to a fiesta in The = Mission, but I=20 didn=E2=80=99t know if I could travel with the dozen amigos I was = already drinking with.=20 I texted the party purveyor:
Yo is it fun? I think Imma roll through. How big is it? = I=E2=80=99m with various=20 depths of peeps.
fun! big! bring every1!
We got to the hella crowded party and made it hella more crowded. It = felt=20 like a cross between a Williamsburg warehouse dance party and = somebody=E2=80=99s hippie=20 parents=E2=80=99 basement yoga studio.
We formed circles around our friends and pushed them into the middle. = We=20 chanted their names as they did fun dance moves. A buddy allegedly = challenged me=20 to a rap battle, which he claims to have won, but it was so loud in = there I=20 thought we were still chanting our friends=E2=80=99 names.
Drunk, sweaty, temporarily deaf, and with a plane to catch in six = hours, I=20 found a cab and headed back to my friend=E2=80=99s spot. The Bangladeshi = cab driver=20 asked where I was from, and for the whole ride talked about how he = fucking loves=20 Los Angeles. When he lived there, he=E2=80=99d make so much money = driving drunk idiots=20 back-and-forth from downtown to the Westside =E2=80=94 =E2=80=9CTonight = I=E2=80=99m only making $14 off=20 of you drunk idiots.=E2=80=9D
San Francisco has the best cab drivers in the world. A taxi driver = once told=20 me that he was the understudy for the Phantom of the Opera and sang the = titular=20 song to prove his point. Another time I got in a shouting match with a = cab=20 driver. We weren=E2=80=99t yelling at each other, we were just seeing = who could shout=20 crazier things. He won. I=E2=80=99ve never had a memorable cab ride in = Los Angeles.
We got back to the townhouse overlooking the southern hills of San = Francisco.=20 We ate quesadillas while his roommate=E2=80=99s dogs ate compost. I = passed out quickly.=20 I woke up a few hours later to a buff pit bull licking my face and guys = telling=20 me that I should find somewhere else to sleep because they had to watch = last=20 night=E2=80=99s Australian Open match. I took a shower and then my = friend drove me to=20 the airport.
He is a Bay Area native and has lived in The City for five years, but = he=E2=80=99s=20 also one of the most well-traveled people I know. As a San Franciscan he = hates=20 Los Angeles for its artificiality, lack of rapid transit, divorce from = nature,=20 and haphazard design. I told him he should come visit, that I=E2=80=99d = show him a good=20 time. He said that he was totally down. Travelers kinda get that = there=E2=80=99s more to=20 a place than the stereotypes about it.
He dropped me off at Terminal 1. I scowled at new TSA security =
measures (=E2=80=9Cput=20
your hands over your head and cough three times=E2=80=9D). Then I bought =
a Boudin=20
sourdough loaf to remember San Francisco by. I felt like shit. I wished =
I was=20
staying longer. In part to recover from the previous evening, but also =
because I=20
had such a great time. San Francisco is somewhere I could live for a =
while =E2=80=94 or=20
at least sublet for a few months.
![](3D"http://cdn.matadornetwork.com.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/im=)
=20
Josh Heller
Josh is a writer from = Los=20 Angeles. He has lived in Mexico City, New York, and Berlin with = extensive jaunts=20 to Latin America and Europe.
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http://www.travellingfamily.ca/ Travelling=20 Family =20
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http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=3D1181723202 ==20
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http://passportsandplaces.tumblr.com/=20
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http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XVG4ECPGAVFM3SBMPOM6BD7GAQ= =20 = =20 =20
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http://twitter.com/onceatraveler =20
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http://profile.yahoo.com/FKCBOOWKPA2HLMAPKRMFALIUZQ = =20=20
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http://tinyurl.com/affiliate-ressurection=20
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Bitter bear
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http://3d.about.com =20
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I love it, Josh. I=E2=80=99m from Idaho, but spent the most = important 7 years of=20 my youngish life (I=E2=80=99m nearly 30) living in LA. I=E2=80=99ll = always feel like it=E2=80=99s=20 home, in some way. I live in the Bay Area now and frankly, = I=E2=80=99ll agree with=20 your friend and say, they just don=E2=80=99t get it. Also, NY, = Berlin, and Mexico=20 City are three of my other favorite places. We might really get each = other=20
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=
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