You think you=E2=80=99re the next Carrie Bradshaw / Jonathan Ames / =
Andy Warhol /=20
Jay-Z.
You are not as cool as any of those people. Get it out of your system =
because=20
unless you=E2=80=99re famous already, there=E2=80=99s a 99.9% chance no =
one in New York is going=20
to care about who you are. Those characters and famous figures are =
awesome role=20
models, but honestly, just be yourself =E2=80=94 try and remember that =
New York City is=20
one of the only places in the world that openly accepts everyone, no =
matter how=20
weird / drunk / JAPPY / yuppie or otherwise you are.
You=E2=80=99re looking for your =E2=80=9Csoul mate.=E2=80=9D
Somehow, people find NYC to be =E2=80=9Cromantic=E2=80=9D (despite =
the garbage-strewn=20
streets, rat-infested subway stations, and overwhelming scent of piss =
that=20
follows you everywhere). Stop setting relationship priorities / =
barriers, and=20
start sleeping with everyone. With a population over 8 million, there =
are=20
way too many people living in New York for you to waste time =
dating every=20
single one of them.
For every nice guy or sweet girl you meet, you=E2=80=99re going to =
have to go through=20
at least 100 assholes / bitches first. Having a one-night stand helps =
you get=20
the milk for free instead of having to buy the cow (especially when a =
gallon of=20
milk here costs $4.29). Have safe sex with everyone, and settle on the =
first guy=20
/ girl that makes you orgasm like crazy. That=E2=80=99s a =
keeper.
You choose to live in terrible apartments.
It is possible to find a sick apartment in New York City =
without using=20
Craigslist, and without paying out the ass for broker=E2=80=99s fees / =
first month=E2=80=99s /=20
last month=E2=80=99s rent. How? Patience and perseverance. Don=E2=80=99t =
move somewhere =E2=80=9Cbecause=20
it=E2=80=99s the cool place to be.=E2=80=9D Likewise, don=E2=80=99t move =
anywhere unless you=E2=80=99ve done a=20
little research about the area (yeah, Marine Park is in Brooklyn, but =
it=E2=80=99s also=20
about an hour and a half from any decent NYC action). Never, ever =
pay=20
rent that is more than your room is actually worth; $1300 a month to =
sleep on an=20
air mattress in someone=E2=80=99s spare closet is lame, and does not =
=E2=80=9Cbuild character,=E2=80=9D=20
especially when you can rent a decent one-bedroom apartment in Inwood =
for the=20
same price.
Also, consider the people you live with. If your roommate is a =
weirdo, move.=20
If your roommate is a catty bitch, move. If your roommate does a lot of =
drugs,=20
never pays their rent on time, leaves dirty dishes in the sink, has sex =
in your=20
bedroom without asking you first, and you have not relocated yourself =
since the=20
first incident, consider yourself to be an NYC fail.
You don=E2=80=99t =E2=80=9Cget=E2=80=9D the subway system.
It=E2=80=99s really not that complicated, and everyone has Google =
Maps on their phone=20
anyway. If you don=E2=80=99t, A) you=E2=80=99re not tech-savvy enough to =
belong in New York=20
City, and B) you at least have a computer at home where you can =
Mapquest=20
your end-location before you get there. If the platform has a sign for=20
=E2=80=9CBrooklyn,=E2=80=9D it means the train is going south; =
=E2=80=9CQueens,=E2=80=9D the train is going=20
east; =E2=80=9CBronx=E2=80=9D means north. You have no excuse for =
getting on the wrong train,=20
unless the F train decides to run on the M track, in which case everyone =
will be=20
messed up, so cool your jets and take the bus if you have to.
You spend way too much money on booze.
Purchasing a $15 cocktail multiple times in one evening is why last =
night=E2=80=99s=20
dinner consisted of Ritz crackers and day-old cream cheese. People in =
New York=20
spend way too much money on alcohol, and there is no reason to =
justify=20
it. It=E2=80=99s possible to get drunk on any type of alcohol, so stop =
buying=20
chipotle-spiced lychee martinis, and start finding those dive bars that =
sell=20
$1.50 cans of PBR. Then maybe you=E2=80=99ll be able to pay that =
outrageous utilities=20
bill on time, for once.
The easiest way to remedy this situation is to get other people to =
buy you=20
drinks. Or you can take advantage of free open bar opportunities. In a =
city=20
where stepping out your door is an invitation to be overstimulated =
culturally,=20
maybe it=E2=80=99s just a matter of finding a new hobby.
You think it=E2=80=99s too expensive in general.
Forget about rent and overpriced alcohol =E2=80=94 New Yorkers price =
everything like=20
it=E2=80=99s made out of gold. Cigarettes will run you between $10 and =
$15 a pack. One=20
month of unlimited subway rides costs $112 (about $3.75/day). The Dollar =
Menu at=20
McDonald=E2=80=99s legit will cost you double. Even if you=E2=80=99re =
making a decent salary,=20
you will still be too poor to compete with New York City=E2=80=99s cost =
of living=20
(especially when you see what your lifestyle=E2=80=99s price tag can =
fetch you=20
elsewhere). If you don=E2=80=99t enjoy paying $24 after sitting in =
traffic to take a=20
taxi to a destination ten blocks away, you=E2=80=99ll never make it in =
New York.
You won=E2=80=99t settle for shitty jobs.
Currently, about 8.7% of New Yorkers are unemployed. But it=E2=80=99s =
not because=20
they=E2=80=99re sending out 50 resumes a day and getting nothing from it =
=E2=80=94 it=E2=80=99s because=20
they are too damn proud to settle for anything less than their $100k =
college=20
degree warrants them. =E2=80=9CI=E2=80=99m a fashion blogger=E2=80=9D =
means they spend all their time=20
making zero dollars by reposting things on Tumblr. =E2=80=9CI work at a =
PR firm=E2=80=9D means=20
they get paid $30 a day to hand out flyers for new nightclubs. =
You=E2=80=99ll probably=20
get some haughty looks after admitting you=E2=80=99re a hostess at =
Applebee=E2=80=99s, but would=20
you rather make some money, or no money?
You will probably slave away at a job you=E2=80=99re overqualified =
and underpaid for.=20
The best thing to do is realize it=E2=80=99s only temporary; in =
eight-months-to-a-year,=20
you=E2=80=99ll either get a promotion, or you=E2=80=99ll find a new job. =
You will not be=20
=E2=80=9Cdiscovered,=E2=80=9D but it is possible to land your =
dream job if you are=20
dedicated and know where to look / who to ask / what kind of person you =
have to=20
sleep with to get hired.
You can=E2=80=99t navigate the music scene.
Or the art scene. Or the theater scene, or any other aspect of =
culture that=20
will swallow you whole upon settling in any given NYC neighborhood. =
There is=20
seriously culture everywhere =E2=80=94 Banksy sold his art on a random =
sidewalk, for=20
crying out loud. People get psyched to star in a no-budget, avant-garde =
play=20
involving latex body suits, that they will perform for only one night in =
the=20
basement below a Turkish restaurant. If you don=E2=80=99t =
=E2=80=9Cdo=E2=80=9D art, you don=E2=80=99t deserve to=20
be surrounded by it 24/7. Get out.
You don=E2=80=99t eat bagels or pizza.
It=E2=80=99s cool if you=E2=80=99re gluten-free, or whatever (there =
are plenty of places that=20
will fulfill your dietary needs), but seriously? A bagel for =
breakfast=20
and a slice of pizza for lunch will cost you less than $5 most places, =
allowing=20
that extra money you=E2=80=99d spend on an $11 salad to go towards =
something greater =E2=80=94=20
like toilet paper for the month. Nowhere else on Earth will you ever =
find=20
products as glorious as the New York City bagel or slice of pizza.
Some attempt to replicate it elsewhere, to no avail. You =
can=E2=80=99t make it in New=20
York if you can=E2=80=99t appreciate the culinary scene, because we =
literally have=20
every kind of food on the planet here, and taking the small stuff =
for=20
granted is a huge =E2=80=9CFuck you!=E2=80=9D to NYC.
=20
Get more stuff like this in your inbox!
Sign up for our newsletter and get emails of great stories like =
this.
Katka is a Contributing Editor and the Social Media Manager for =
Matador=20
Network. She is based in New York and has worked in the travel industry =
for the=20
past five years. Other contributions include articles for Vittana, =
Thought=20
Catalog, Travel Fashion Girl, Yelp!, Where=E2=80=99s Cool?, TripAha! and =
more. Read more=20
about how awesome she is at katkatravels.com.
Wow.. arrogant self-absorbed garbage.. from a (probably non-native) =
New=20
Yorker.. what a surprise. Good thing the author has a blog about =
herself so=20
I can, =E2=80=9Cread about how awesome she is=E2=80=A6=E2=80=9D
Aaaand this comment gets deleted in =
3..2..1=E2=80=A6=E2=80=A6
=20
=20
hannah =
I=E2=80=99m a native New Yorker, and I think this is pretty on =
target. Only I would=20
have focused it much more on how you have to have some psychopath =
and/or=20
masochist to live here.
=
=20
Marie Lisa Jose =
=20
Although I have only visited New York I feel there are other =
alternatives=20
to meeting a nice guy/girl.
=
=20
Colin Heinrich =
=20
I visited a friend in New York who said she didn=E2=80=99t like =
walking. I=E2=80=99ve never=20
even lived there and I had to give her one of those smirk faces you =
get when=20
you see a gross picture on the Internet.
=20
=20
Nina =
This author is an idiot -arrogant self-absorbed garbage =E2=80=93 =
as DanRine puts=20
it.
=20
Andy VC =
I think this article is even offensive=E2=80=A6 what a dirty =
marketing. So thats=20
why people can not make it in NY? and then you start the article =
saying: =E2=80=9Cyou=20
are not as cool as any of those people=E2=80=9D but then you write in =
your blog: =E2=80=9CI=20
travel. I write. Sometimes I take pictures. I am the coolest person =
you will=20
ever meet.=E2=80=9D seriously? I can not even believe this is =
published in this=20
magazine.
=20
http://ianmack.com/ Ian=20
MacKenzie
I thought this article was pretty clever actually. I=E2=80=99ve =
been to New York=20
multiple times and I feel like I spend money just standing on the=20
sidewalk.
=20
Meg =
This is awful. Its pretentious douche bags like you who think you =
have all=20
the fucking answers who ruin peoples New York experience. Not the =
things you=20
mentioned. I=E2=80=99m done following and liking this website. All =
your writers are=20
idiots.
=20
redhilz =
This article is a bunch of narrow-minded bullshit that shows that =
the=20
author a) can=E2=80=99t think of anything to write about and b) =
interacts with=20
virtually no one in NY except people just like her and/or NYU kids. =
There=E2=80=99s=20
nothing about the subway or the music or art scenes to =
=E2=80=9Cget=E2=80=9D, but you don=E2=80=99t=20
have to be artsy to =E2=80=9Cmake it=E2=80=9D there, and you can get =
cheap food of literally=20
any fucking variety that you damn well please. Also, plenty of normal, =
nice=20
people are in the city looking for someone to date, so stop hanging =
around=20
more-pretentious-than-thou foodies in the Lower East Side and maybe =
you=E2=80=99ll get=20
an idea what the rest of the millions of people living there are like. =
P.S. =E2=80=9CMaking it=E2=80=9D in NY is not a thing any more than =
it is anywhere else. I=20
was a naive country girl who loved nature and had the worst job ever =
when I=20
moved there and I still managed just fine.
Katka =
Sorry dude =E2=80=93 this chicka grew up on the West Side! Have =
an apartment in=20
Harlem and a house on Long Island now. Would never label =
=E2=80=9Cjust=E2=80=9D the NYU or=20
LES kids as pretentious douchebags =E2=80=93 we=E2=80=99re New =
Yorkers, and we=E2=80=99re all=20
assholes.
=20
=20
Zekov =
The comments here are pretty ignorant. Katka only sounds arrogant =
because=20
she=E2=80=99s right. Heed her advice, you=E2=80=99ll be happier =
following suit. NYC isn=E2=80=99t for=20
the weak-willed or the faint of heart, it=E2=80=99s for people trying =
to get somewhere=20
and willing to do just about anything for it. The only reason anyone =
is=20
offended by this is because they refuse to assimilate. New Yorkers are =
assholes cuz they earned the right to be. If you=E2=80=99re not =
willing to earn that=20
right, then GTFO.
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